May I Come In?

"May I come in?" I hear him outside of the door. Is he asking me or another patient?
"Mary, I like your hair. You look great and I will see you in 3 weeks." He sounds cheerful and happy. He is right there and his voice is very familiar to me.
I am looking at myself in a mirror. Do I like my hair? Do I look good? Will my hair grow back by next follow up visit? I am very anxious to hear any compliments and I believe in positive visit. You just want to invite good news into your life and you reserve your room just for the very good news. There's a very light and not too confident knock on the door. Who is at the door? Do they know who is the room? I took this brave walk from the entrance door to the first available room by looking down at the tile representing the walkway, in case you are confused or not sure if this is you the right way you chose. But your steady walk brings you into this room. I am not willing to let anyone in unless they feel my courage and motivation. The door opens and the familiar face of my doctor surprisingly welcomes me back. Something is making the moment of his presence harder than the last time. I start thinking that I don't like this doctor, especially when he sits on his exam chair, leaning backwards and talks about your high percentage of developing new tumors and low percentage of survival if I don't continue my treatment. He is ready to exam me and I feel his hand on my back, fingers extended. I feel the fear of cancer throughout his heavy breathing. I was ready to open the door for him and tell him that I am not interested in whatever he is going to say anymore. But this isn't good. He is your oncologist and maybe, he has no idea what he is talking about. Maybe I should find another one. And you want him to leave this room, but with a smile. Weeks go by and you realize that he is the one and exactly what you want.

Train Tracks

This is my small family. But, it can not get any smaller! My life has always been unusually challenging and interesting for me. Maybe life tested me for my ability to survive? The word survive was special to me. It is been there for me from the moments I was born. I survived when at my young age I missed my very first year of elementary school due to a serious illness. I survived when I was not accepted to the university of my dreams because of Jewish roots in the former Soviet Union. I was the biggest survivor when my boyfriend walked away from me leaving me pregnant and denying every bit of it. Then real test for survival came divorce. Life is taking me on road of survival. It is a bumpy and rough road, usually without any direction or weather reports. Because it chills you suddenly and can even freeze your feelings and emotions. Oh no I was not prepared for that. It is too cold and windy. Where are the people? People who can warm you up, people who can comfort you by doing something very little to save you. “Save you to survive” became words of my belief when I met my husband Sam. He saved me by his warm and delicate personality. We both were survivors in our lives. And when the survival challenge seemed like it was getting to reward us. Together we faced another test to start a family and have children. Rewards and appreciations are there. We always believed in that. Our biggest reward came when we had our daughter which also was a challenge to survive. Today her name has two letter s's which carries a special meaning in our family. We see a beautiful road, we were able to survive, and never looking back. But always remember that you seeing a blue sky even if it is grey and not visible today, you can sing with the birds even if you are not hearing them, you play piano, your individual piece, even if your instrument is not in front of you. You are what helps you to survive. I took my knowledge and experience to people and I wanted to be there for them by becoming a nurse. Here I am dedicating my life and experience for  the patients and their families, who might struggle to survive or who had an amazing recovery and are now proudly joining their families at home. It is a long way for me to go and it is absolutely amazing. But one day I decided to speed up my way by not walking, but taking a train. It was going so fast, almost making no stops at all on the railroad ahead. I had no imagination and not even a creation of my own to know what I will see, what scene I will see. The train moves faster and faster passing the passengers on the stations by, going along past the rivers and mountains. It was too warm. Too warm to the point of being uncomfortable and to take a relaxing breath was not an option. It was moving faster and faster flying through the tunnels of darkness, suddenly moving into the light. Brightness and grey gloomy sky shined through for a moment. Where am I going? Where is my family? The train stops, but the battle inside of me continues. I feel weak and tired. I don't see the blue sky and I can't hear the birds singing, I can't compose the music. The thing that  was giving me energy, life of beauty, and imagination is slowly disappearing. But what keeps me strong is my tremendous desire to survive and win. I will win because I am a creator and my imagination never leaves me alone. It is the creation of my own healing power of my body. It is the ability to put the best colors of my choice to design a scene that I love. It is the energy of nature which fuels my mind and helps me to live. I am at a war of my own. Not to destroy anything nor hurt others along the way, but to always win.
With Love and Inspiration,
Svetlana